photo credit: lookbook.nu
Score! That babe you met at The Woods last weekend said she’d go to dinner with you this weekend. Now you have something to do besides play the new Final Fantasy and order Chexican food. Since it’s been so cold out, and you’ve been hangin’ around your apartment so much…perhaps you forgot how to treat a lady. Lucky for you, I’ve created this helpful guide on how to (not) treat your potential hipster wife.
1. Be (Still) Obsessed with Your Ex
This is a great idea. After all, you want to make sure she doesn’t think you’re gay or inexperienced, right? Lay it on thick. Make sure she knows how “totally crazy” your ex-girlfriend was. Better yet, we love to hear how much cooler, thinner, prettier, more talented or successful she was. Your lack of self-esteem totally boosts ours, so go for it!
2. Be Stingy
You know what I call a romantic first date? When a guy takes me to McDonald’s and tells me I can only order off the dollar menu.
3. Be a Stalker
Coming from personal experience, I love it when a guy texts me every five minutes. Also, I’m a huge fan of clinginess. Nothing says, “I’m capable of a healthy relationship” like a human barnacle. If you’re following me on Twitter as of the night we meet, we’re definitely gonna last. Because after one meeting, I totally want you to know what I’m doing and where I am at all times. Showing up to my study session in the library unannounced isn’t stalker-y, it’s sweet! Like I said: clinginess is sexiness, so work it, barnacle boys.
photo credit: lookbook.nu
4. Be That Dude
The hottest quality in a potential hipster husband? The ability to list “Conductor of the Hot Mess Express” on your resume. Being able to do an eight-ball and an eight-pack of Tecate in one night is definitely a sign of having your shit together. Having a blood alcohol count of .18 also makes you better at flirting, kissing and of course, a better lover. That tattoo you got of your dog’s name? In cursive, scrawled across your lower back? Hot. Oh, your friends carried you home from the bar last night? Excellent. You’re broke ’cause you spent your last $100 on a bag of weed? Party at your house. That’s right, boys: if your spirit animal is Amy Winehouse, call me.
5. Be Apathetic to Everything
Girls love it when you show up thirty minutes late to the dinner they slaved over. They love it even more when you are totally stoned out of your gourd, then leave twenty minutes after you’re done eating. It shows that you think they’re super-rad when you do that, you know? Shows you just wanna take it slow and save up spending two hours at a time for the future. What? Thirty minutes is totally enough time to show you care. Oh, and when she starts telling you about her life and what she does for a living: stare blankly into space. Text your friends to meet you at Union Pool in an hour. Do anything except listen to her. Coming from personal experience, the guys who have made it past the ten-day mark in my life are always the guys who didn’t really give a shit about me, my time or my life.
6. Be Critical
Nah, I don’t need to hear that I’m pretty. I have absolutely no need to hear that my hair looks nice today, or that I smell good. I’m funny? Ha! You’re joking. No, seriously. I’d rather hear that I’d look better ten pounds lighter, that I’m not that smart and that my perfume reminds you of your mom. That makes me feel great! It makes me wanna have sex with you right then and there. Don’t worry that you ruined my 20th birthday. I really needed to know that people would like me more if I didn’t have such a high-pitched laugh.
photo credit: lookbook.nu
7. Be a Complete Bitchmaid
Well, you did take her to brunch at Five Leaves once. So I guess that sort of counts as paying her for babysitting your whiny ass while she drags you down Bedford Avenue. You’re totally obliged to watch every move she makes while she decides whether to get the hunter green or the ash gray dress. Nah, you can’t go look at books, no way. She will judge you if you get a beer at Mugs with your roommate. Hearing you huff and puff while she peruses the racks at Beacon’s Closet doesn’t give her anxiety. It pumps her up for the rest of the shopping tour! Come on, American Apparel is next.
8. Be an Asshole or a Total Creep Around Her Friends
Look, she’s well aware of the fact her best friend Laura is a successful model. Definitely ask Laura for her number in front of her. That’s a good move. Oh, yeah, her friend Danielle is fat, you should tell her that. She doesn’t know that she’s plus-sized. The best move is to call her gay friend a faggot, ‘cause he said he liked your coat. He was totally hitting on you, bro. There’s no way a dude can say he likes your clothes and not want your dick. I’m telling you, making enemies with her friends is an excellent way to get into her pants tonight!
photo credit: lookbook.nu
These rules are fairly simple, easy to follow and key in losing out on the girl of your dreams. Seriously, who wants to date a dimepiece? Trashy is the new classy. Get wracked with guilt, boys. Sabotage a relationship, just ‘cause. It’s so easy with these 8 easy steps!
On a serious note: if you’re actually interested in getting laid or getting a real hipster wife anytime in the near future, I strongly encourage you to disregard all previous advice given in this article.
xoxo,
Audrey JAPburn
P.S. Crushin’ on your girlfriend’s roommate? Tired of having to tell girls you aren’t actually gay? Maybe you need a nice way to tell your ex that she’s thisclose to a restraining order. Either way, if advice is your need, I’m your girl indeed. Give me a shout at audrey@hipsterwifehunting.com.
