So, you did it. You found the girl. She’s pretty, she dresses like a cross between a grandma and a hooker, and she talks like a sailor with the brains of Einstein. Sure, you’re impressed, but you’re shaking in your boots, and now that you’ve got her number… shit, what now? Where do you take your future hipster wifey on your first date? First of all, she’s probably freaking out too. When’s he gonna call? Did I give him the wrong number? Ugh, that dress from Beacon’s totally makes me look like a ho, he probably thinks he can toot and boot it. Well, you can’t tell her to shut up, that’s her roommate’s job. But, it is my job to tell you where to take her so you can have a successful first date. Here, my clueless cohorts, is a quick guide on how to get the hipster housewife you dream of. Read on, boys.
the nice girl
photo credit: lookbook.nu
You met her: in your Russian Literature class, The Strand, at your friend’s senior photography show
She was wearing: leggings, a vintage dress or humongous reading glasses
She probably listens to: Dirty Projectors, She & Him, Yacht
Take her: ON A CLASSY DATE
After you both get out of class (or work), walk on down to Holy Basil (149 Second Ave, between 10th and 9th) and get a table near the window. She’ll enjoy the dim ambiance and the fancy-schmancy plating. You’ll like how good everything tastes and the fact that everything does not cost twenty-five thousand dollars. Plus, everyone looks better in candlelight. Holy Basil is the perfect setting for dissecting the importance of Woody Allen in post-modern New York or the blight of gentrification in southern Queens.
Once you’ve digested your Pad Sea Ew and duck-skin rolls, take a little hike (or cab!) over to the cheesy-but-ironically-fun Max Brenner (841 Broadway, between 13th and 14th) for chocolate pizza, crepes, or about three million other chocolate things. When you’re done ruining your teeth, walk over a couple blocks to the cutest little bar in Union Square, Revival Bar (129 E 15th between 3rd Ave & Irving Place). They have a great selection of Magic Hat and, I must say, the most excellent whiskey sours in Manhattan.
With Jack in her blood and beer in yours, walk her back to the L train at Union Square. And if your skinny jeans haven’t frozen too tightly to your knees… plant a good-night kiss on her.
the culture maven
photo credit: lookbook.nu
You met her: at the Beach Fossils/Total Slacker show, on the L, Enid’s on a Saturday night
She was wearing: A faux-fur jacket; granny boots; or at the very least, she was smoking a pack of American Spirits
She probably listens to: Washed Out, The xx, Generationals
Take her: ON A SUPER-HIP DATE
Meet this PYT at Lodge (318 Grand St, between Havemeyer and Marcy) for some New American gourmet. Baby girl might be a vegetarian, but no worries, they have enough variety for everyone. Along with 2 for 1 Blood Marys & Mimosas, Lodge has an impressive menu of beers and ciders, and some of the tastiest cocktails this side of the BQE. If that’s not enough, there’s of course the atmosphere. Even the light fixtures are hip.
Once you’ve polished off your dinner, stroll up the street to Iona (180 Grand, between Bedford and S 1st) for one last drink. Nooks and crannies abound, you can find a place to snuggle and reminiscence about when The Shins were cool and wonder if Tao Lin really is Carles. In the back is an outdoor fireplace, so when the indoors gets mundane, head out back and steal one of her cigarettes to continue the conversation.
When the drinks are empty, and it’s almost closing time for both of you, take a chilly walk down the street. Walk all the way down to the Grand Street Waterfront (Grand at Kent… well, it’s where Grand turns into the East River) There you will find the most romantic, beautiful, awe-inspiring and just, well, perfect backdrop of the Manhattan skyline for your first kiss. Ahem.
the party girl
photo credit: lookbook.nu
You met her: at the McKibbin Lofts, the patio at Matchless, anytime you had imbibed 4Loko
She was wearing: a shirt as a dress; duck boots; or sheer, ripped tights (even though it’s fucking January)
She probably listens to: The Dead Weather, The Big Pink, Black Lips
Take her: ON A BENDER
Chances are, if you’ve met this creature, she’s probably not going to leave her apartment until midnight. And if that’s the case, you should follow suit. Bring your friends, tell her to bring her friends, and you all meet up at Lit (93 2nd Ave between 5th & 6th). If you can’t find it, she will know where it is, because all hipster girls know what Lit is. Anyways, try to be subtly drunk before you show up, because you know she’ll be wasted by the time she shows up with her posse of American Apparel-clad babes. After your second beer and her third greyhound, you’ll be downstairs with her, making out and dancing to The Knife. If she takes you into the bathroom with her, go with her. If she takes you into the back room, go with her. Please heed my advice on this, because you know what they say:
What happens in the basement at Lit, stays there.
If you’re not too wasted, wrangle your boys and her girls and stumble across the street to Moonstruck Diner (88 2nd Ave…it’s literally right across the street) for cheeseburgers, onion rings and maybe even one last gin and tonic. And maybe if you’ve been playing footsie with her, you can take a cab home with her. Because nothing says romance like making out in a taxi going over the Williamsburg Bridge at 5 in the morning.
There you have it, boys. Send me your success stories! Or your failure stories. I like both of them.
xoxo,
Audrey JAPburn
